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On my job
I think what hurts me the most is that the bad days get really bad for me, but the good days aren’t 100% high either.
Maybe I blame myself too much, but I feel like my efforts might be misguided. Like when I’m working, I give it a WHOLE lot of effort, maybe even more than I normally would. I try and try hard. But I can’t help but think that if I put that effort into something that I absolutely understood the demands (and merits) of, then I would be a whole lot more efficient.
What happens is, even when I get a pat on the back for my work there’s always the thought of how long this will last, of when the mistake will come along, of what I wish I had done had I known they would have liked what I did do—always casting a shadow.
I smile and work through the days, but there’s a pain inside. I wish I know what I want to do and where I want to go.
